Childhood Redux

What I’d always done was choose a family the Lockwoods were close to, so we’d visit them while Anne was still a baby, to begin building our relationship. This time was no different. She was a Darkholme, blonde like Cornelius once was, because Ingrid’s son had been surprisingly strong in comparison to his mother, inheriting his grandfather’s power instead. Due to that they’d managed to keep their seat on the Council, something I’d thought wasn’t going to be possible. From there it passed from one son to the next, until the birth of Anne, a daughter far stronger than anyone else in the family, so they knew for certain they wanted her to be the wife of the next Lockwood. It didn’t matter she was only months old.

I sat beside her crib. Her eyes met with mine every so often, and I kept touching her hand, waiting for the moment when everyone was distracted enough for me to talk to her. They knew I could talk, but not to the extent I did, always careful not to show too many signs, because it was bad enough dealing with Riordan suspicion. When it finally came I looked at her. More than anything I wished we were old enough to have an actual conversation. Although waiting was probably the more logical choice I wanted her to know. Our sons seemed so certain, in a way that gave me hope for the first time in far too long.

“Hello, sweetheart. I’m sorry. This is always the hardest part, but it will be over.” She stuck her tongue out. “Yes, I know, it’s never over soon enough.” Gently, I ran a finger over the side of her hand. “Anne, I want to talk to you, because… I’ve been Seeing our sons work against me.” Her eyes widened. “Please don’t worry. We talked. For the first time I actually had a proper conversation with them, and I think… you’re going to say you told me so when you can, I know it, because they’re willing to forgive me.”

One tear rolled down my cheek before I regained control, and Anne’s chubby baby hand took hold of my finger. “I’ve made so many mistakes. Not only with the boys, but us too. Being here, now… I love you. Always have, always will. You’re my world, Anne, so I made them a promise. What I want, even though it might not be possible, is be more open with you. For us to have the kind of relationship we did we need to rebuild the trust between us.”

Grip tightening, I felt her questions without her needing any words. “The boys love you. I’m not going to hold that against them. What they wanted to do made sense, sweetheart, so I’ve never been angry, because it was all for the mother they cared deeply about. Sebastian’s absolutely your son, which…” A smile touched my lips I couldn’t stop. “Conversations with him often go the same way they do with you.” Eyes closed, I saw Seth once more. “You might not be happy with me, I know we’ve had a lot of conversations about it, but I removed the block on Seth.”

A not unexpected silence followed those words. Emotions swirled. They were the easiest way for her to communicate with me when she couldn’t talk. Anne breathed in deeply. She’d always worried, hence the block in the first place, because she saw how much I struggled. With the boys going out into the world it made sense, but that was something I definitely couldn’t tell her about, or that they were going with Julian of all people. Even now I trusted him, which probably made no sense to anyone. Julian chose Anne. Nothing bad would happen to her or the boys with him watching over her.

“This won’t make you any happier, but the reason I didn’t bring it up with you in advance was because I did it on a whim.” I looked down. “Seth… the man I had a chance to get to know is far more capable than I imagined. Although I am a little worried I trust him to make the right choices.” With a sound she drew my attention to her, eyes meeting. “Honestly, sweetheart, he will be fine, for one very specific reason – you raised him. I saw so much of you in both the boys, which… I am so proud of them both. Especially their kindness. Being able to talk to them… you were right. Once I was able to explain things to them they made a decision I don’t think I could have.”

More often than I wanted to admit Anne pushed me to try. All it took was a conversation, and maybe she was right, but in part it was the fact I felt I could tell them the truth. Watching the conversations they had, Seeing how much they loved Anne, I worried less about the choices they might make, because they wouldn’t do anything to harm her. Then Julian stepped in. He’d been watching too, albeit in a very different way, to make certain Anne would be safe. For both of us she was more important than anyone else, so his decision to trust them with certain information made complete sense. Giving them a chance to make an informed choice was the better option, hence the conversation we had, one Seth thought he might have to drag out of me. It being a willing choice on my part definitely seemed to help.

Curiosity swirled. “There’s more than I’d like I still can’t tell you.” A flash of annoyance. “I know. For a long time I’ve had doubts… not about us. You… even now when I look at you I feel so much love. Being with you, our relationship, is the only thing I’ve ever truly been certain of, which I know you probably don’t entirely believe. You were the one who had to convince me we should be together in the first place, but that’s all linked to something else.” Maybe it would be a mistake, but it was one I thought I needed to make. “Sweetheart, I told the boys what I’ve never been able to share with you.”

Bright blue eyes locked on mine. “I know you’ve felt the half truths and evasions. Every one has caused another fracture, but it’s never been… no, there was a time when I didn’t want to tell you. With time I’ve come to understand the choices I made then aren’t the ones I’d have made now, or even if I could truly See what was to come. After Phoebe told you… it never once crossed my mind this would be our future. You loving me…” Sighing, I shook my head. “Until you learnt the truth I thought you only saw me as your brother, although I don’t honestly think it would have made anything easier if we had been siblings instead. Both relationships need trust, and I’ve basically destroyed that.”

Hand tightening on my finger, Anne shook her head. “Of course I have. Sweetheart, I see it. You’ve barely been around me since…” I bit down hard on my bottom lip. “How else was I meant to see you falling in love with someone else?” She shook her head again, frustration battering me. “This is probably a conversation that should wait until you’re capable of speech. All I really wanted was for you to know about the boys, because I’m happy it worked out.”

Even though I’d Seen it fail more often than succeed, the boys still chose to work against me, I needed to try. For both of us. As I looked into Anne’s eyes, seeing the woman I loved within them, I put my hand over where her finger gripped the other. We stared at each other in silence, her emotions still more conflicted than I hoped they’d be. Eventually we’d be able to have a proper conversation. Once we’d tried to see if we could communicate without words, but that hadn’t worked. Neither of us had that skill, although as a baby she could still use sigils to create spells if she needed to, that she used most if she thought I needed her help in some way.

Rolling, she did exactly that then, her power sinking into my flesh. The sigil was one she’d crafted during our first life, when I was struggling most coming to terms with the fact the woman I’d been told should always be my sister was in love with me. She hadn’t used it for a very long time. Finding the words… I breathed in deeply, seeing the love blossom in her eyes.

“Anne…” She tapped my hand. “Yes, sweetheart, I know. I feel it, and I love you too. More than you can ever truly understand. Just… I don’t deserve you.” With a glare she tapped it harder. “Loving each other doesn’t change the facts. Even then I didn’t deserve you, because I’ve never been truly honest with you.” For a second I looked down, needing to admit something. “There’s a chance I may never be able to tell you everything. We may be able to work around it, although whenever I’ve looked…”

Second sigil joining the first, one to help with fear, I knew she’d felt my terror. Breathing deeply, I looked at her. There was true understanding in her eyes. With her finger she started drawing letter, and it only took me three to realise what she was trying to say.

“Don’t apologise. It was my decision. Although I wouldn’t have said I had all the information to be able to make it I chose this. For both of us. That’s the part I regret, but I promise I did it for what I believed were the right reasons at the time.”

Tapping my hand a third time, she shook her head. When the only possible way to communicate was via body language it was much more complicated, and Anne was much more limited, due to her age. Being old souls in a young body was a careful balancing act of not showing too much to our parents when we were capable of things no one else was, but with her body as it was she couldn’t even sit up yet, so she was left with very basic movements. If it hadn’t been for the necessity of the conversation with the boys right then I’d have waited. Telling her what I’d done should have, my happiness getting the better of me.

“Like I said I didn’t have all the information. Had I done…” I laughed. “No, that’s a lie. For this to work, especially now, I need to be honest with you. Even if I knew what would happen to me I’d have made the same choice, because I don’t think there was any other way.” She nodded, to show me she accepted the truth I’d shared with her. “You came first, long before I fell in love with you, Anne Lockwood.” Those words got me an eye roll. “No matter what, sweetheart, you will always be a Lockwood at heart.”

I’d been the Lockwood since our second life, something we’d talked about a lot before we were reborn the first time, with Anne never asking to take my place. There was a life when she might, but that passed by. Sometimes being able to See was more a hinderance, when I wanted to understand why someone made a certain choice, but if I did bring it up I’d cause too many problems. Especially when it came to Anne. When I realised how much she despised being watched I’d done my best not to. Unfortunately I had less control at night, and she was always on my mind, so I Saw her more often than she would have been comfortable with.

“Can you see that?” Bernard, Anne’s father, drew the attention of all the parents to us, as I stood beside her crib, our hands touching. “I think we made the right choice.”

With a nod, something I didn’t think they’d be able to see, Anne tapped my hand a fourth time, her power strengthening both the sigils. They’d most likely last until the next time we saw each other, which I didn’t think would be far in the future. My mother, Gloria, born a Keller, was pregnant again, although she didn’t yet know it, while Bernard was still hoping for a son, his eldest a daughter he didn’t truly see as useful until the moment he ‘realised’ we had some kind of connection already. It was what they wanted, so they’d see our interactions as more than they were, when most babies would simply have been trying to learn the world through touch. Now, though, I was a little less worried about how Bernard was going to treat Anne, not that I should have worried. She was more than capable of dealing with him whatever choices he made.

“Yes, we did.” My father, Emory, stepped closer to us, kneeling down beside me. “Do you like Anne?”

Pretending to be baby Titus wasn’t always the easiest, especially just after I’d had an in depth conversation with my wife, but I looked at her for a few seconds, seeing the amusement in her eyes. She knew better than anyone how much I wished I didn’t have to go through the baby stage again. If the soulmate arrived in Marren Vale when he was meant to I wouldn’t have had to. Hence needing help to find him, because he’d missed his deadline, and it wasn’t safe to do the ritual again unless it was the last one. Fortunately looking at her helped, because when I looked back at Emory, his eyes expectant, I was able to give a shy nod, before looked down at the floor.

Bernard laughed. “That’s adorable.” He joined Emory. “Seeing them together already… a Lockwood Darkholme handfasting is going to be good for both our families.”

Unfortunately it might end up being after Emory’s death. The one disadvantage of Anne being born to different families was the fact her light didn’t protect the Lockwoods as long as it would have done had we been siblings. Emory was already showing signs of illness. Anyone who lived in the house for long enough would be affected, and he’d never been the most capable of dealing with the darkness. Fortunately there were brothers, who’d step in to be head of the Council until I was able to take over, although we’d had issues with that in the past. I think they’d learnt their lesson after that, because one thing I wasn’t going to do was accept anyone going against the regulations we decided upon not long after the Council was created. Only the strongest mage could be head of the Council, who’d fortunately always been born to the Lockwood family, otherwise it might have been even more complicated.

Gently, Bernard lifted Anne out of the crib, and knelt beside me the same way Emory did. I couldn’t stop myself from reaching our a hand. She grabbed my finger again, holding tight, her eyes not leaving mine. Not being able to actually talk to her was the hardest part, but I couldn’t show any sign I wasn’t a normal two-year-old. Even though it was more complicated for her if we were alone not being able to talk meant she was far less tempted to do something foolish. At least there were things I could do that might seem cute rather than precocious, and I kissed Anne’s cheek. That made Bernard laugh again, a sign I’d succeeded at cute, however much I might hate to be viewed that way.

Still carefully cradling Anne, he wouldn’t do anything to harm her, Bernard put his hand on my head. “You’re welcome back any time.” I knew he hadn’t wanted a daughter, but then I looked at him, understanding why – he was worried about her future, because unlike most in Marren Vale he’d married for love. “Thank you for loving my daughter.”

Of course it was love to him, even though I was technically far too young to feel those kinds of emotions. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back, the relief something even I connected with, when I wasn’t an empath. Anne seemed to feel it too, reaching out with her other hand for any part of Bernard she was able to touch. Something she’d never been able to hide was her empathy. He looked down at her, hand still on my head, smile on his lips too.

“Yes, darling, I know. Everything is fine. I just… seeing the two of you together reminds me of stories Papa told me about my earlier interactions with Lucy.” He glanced over at Lucille. “Our first meeting was apparently very similar, although I know it’s mostly more fascination right now. You’re both too young to feel real love, but I think, with time, it will blossom between you.”

Apparently Bernard was smarter than I’d given him credit for. “It will, Bernard.” Emory put his hand on Bernard’s shoulder. “Friendship gives them the best chance of that, and it’s obvious do already have a connection, even if it is just fascination. Seeing Titus like this… it’s nice. We’ll come back as often as we can.”

Gloria’s pregnancy would give them the normal child they craved. It’s one of the reasons I never stopped them, doing my best to keep both mother and baby safe from the house, because I knew it wasn’t entirely fair they had to deal with me as a first child. Even though Anne built strong relationships with almost everyone around her I struggled more. Both Emory and Gloria were going to die. Mortality was like that. Loving them only made it excruciatingly painful, the way it was with Mama and Papa, so I stayed disconnected. The only person I still loved was Anne, which… there were problems we could deal with, between the four of us.

When her soulmate arrived, because he would, I’d give her a choice, as best I could. Julian being around helped. He’d be able to tell her everything, not limited by the vow I’d made Papa. Then she’d choose, and I felt her tighten her grip on my finger even more, likely able to feel my worries. I couldn’t even tell her everything was going to be fine with Emory and Bernard there. Eyes on hers once more I tried to send reassurance through the bond, in the hope it would be enough.

From the way she looked at me I didn’t think it was. Anne knew there was a reason I’d told the boys everything, one I hadn’t shared with her, and that was enough for her to worry about what it meant. Saying it was to strengthen the connection between us wouldn’t be the whole truth. It might be enough, for a time, to give me a chance to try to rebuild our relationship, but I couldn’t assume. Not when it was more important than it had ever been we trusted each other, because if the soulmate didn’t arrive… no, I couldn’t let myself think that. Everything would be fine.