Seeing

Elias’s choices weren’t unexpected. Papa worried most about someone using Anne, and I’d stepped in more than once, but never as late as it was with Elias. Anne hated me Watching her. I tried not to, because it was possible to Know too much… which is what led to the vow. There was still so much I couldn’t share with her due to the promise I’d made all those years earlier to Papa. All he wanted was to keep her safe, terrified what might happen if she were to learn the truth about what she was. Looking at the woman she’d become I wished I’d been able to See as much as Papa could then. With time, and the stronger soulbond, I was more powerful. Back then I’d relied more on what Papa could See.

Of course there a lot we didn’t understand. Papa’s own fears coloured what he was able to See, and the more worried he became the more darkness he saw. My eyes met with Anne’s. From the time magic first changed Marren Vale she’d been an empath, but, more complicated, she was able to tell if someone was lying to her. Hence the fractures. Every half truth damaged our relationship more. I stepped closer to her, drawing her into my arms, something she’d never fought, even at the worst points in our relationship. Kissing the top of her head, calmer with her close, I breathed in deeply. She rested her head on my chest.

“I know.” Her voice was gentle, hand reaching my mine, fingers lacing together. “All we can do, Titus, is move forward, and I haven’t made that easy.”

“You feel this is a way I don’t.” Once that might have been closer to a lie than the truth it had become, and the way she looked at me told me she knew it too. “From the very first ritual I cared more about you, Anne, than I did anyone else. The fact I’d done it for you is what held me together, because you…” I bit down on my bottom lip. “Nobody will ever mean as much to me as you do.”

Silence followed my words. My truths could be painful, for both of us. I’d fallen in love with Anne, the way Papa said I would, but I’d stayed true to what he wanted – I was Anne’s brother, not her husband. When her soulmate arrived she’d be free to love him. Only it had never been that simple, for either of us. In our first life I’d focused on complete control of my emotions, so she’d never know the love I felt for her was more than it should have been, as though it was that simple. Every truth I’d ever spoken had an effect on her the same way every lie, evasion, and half truth had.

“Which is part of the problem. I’m your sister. You’ve never had a chance to live either, and it’s due to that foolish vow.” Had I not already made a promise to Papa I’d be there for Anne no matter how long it took for her soulmate to arrive the one I’d made to her would have led to a very similar situation. “Choosing me… we were children. This…” She shook her head. “As much as I want this to be over for me I want it to be over for you more.”

“Anne…”

“Titus, I love you.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “You mean the world to me. At the same time this isn’t how it’s meant to be. Our lives entwined like this… I want you to marry the woman you love, and have children with her. I just…” She shook her head. “Honestly, I don’t know if you can let me go… or if I can let you go.”

I wiped the tear away. During the arguments I’d had with Julian about the soulbond his certainty it would be too strong by the time the soulmate arrived in Marren Vale was the hardest part to accept. Standing there, arm wrapped tightly around Anne, I understood what he’d meant, because she was right. The vow might be enough to force me to try, if it still existed when Anne was immortal, but even then… she was my sister. For lifetimes I’d made the same choice, so she’d be free to love the man she was meant to be with, in the mistaken belief I would be able to let her go.

Closer to that future I found myself thinking of ways I might be able to change it. I’d been more tempted than ever before to choose another body, in the hope Anne might fall in love with me. Only the vow would still be a wedge. Being someone else wasn’t going to make it possible to answer her questions, and would likely lead to more problems than it could ever solve. So I’d made the logical decision, especially as it was one of the lives the soulmate might enter our lives, because it was what Papa would have wanted. Anne safely with her soulmate. There’d been no sign yet, at a point when we were weeks away from the ritual.

“Neither do I.” She raised an eyebrow. “I’m not going to lie, sweetheart. Our relationship is different to others, because it’s had to be, and I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. Papa asked me to protect you the day he first put you into my arms, which is something I took seriously from that day. Being the one who was there… the pain of losing our parents didn’t just affect you.”

Until Anne’s cry, seeing Mama and Papa curled up together on the floor, I thought I had more time. They planned on joining the others for the fire, but then Papa pushed a little too hard. I blamed myself. After he told me I’d fall in love with Anne he spent all his time searching for another solution. Foolishly I assumed it was because he no longer trusted me. When I finally read his journal, seeing how worried he’d been about me, I realised I’d fallen into old habits. Papa wasn’t the man Grandpa made me think he was. Not once had I needed to prove my loyalty to the Lockwoods. Mama and Papa loved me.

Becoming Anne’s protector was something Papa knew I’d done partially out of guilt. I’d come to see there wasn’t any other possible future, Anne was the Heart even if there wasn’t magic in Marren Vale, but I still felt the weight of what I’d done, because she wasn’t the only person affected. So many died… and then we had to keep sacrificing more in order to protect her. Both of us had searched for other possibilities. Even with the soulbond I’d kept trying to find another solution, to keep Anne from going through the pain more than anything. Unfortunately nothing else worked. Now my hope was the soulmate would be the solution Papa believed he was, while also having doubts that was actually possible with the soulbond.

Anne stood on her toes, lips against my cheek. “Thank you.” I blinked. “For being who you are. When you made that vow it was for a little girl who desperately needed you to say those words, and what it led to… I’m as much to blame for all of this as you are, Titus. Blaming you… it’s the easy option, but it’s entirely unfair of me, because this… you did do it for me. Hence me now doing what I can for you, when it’s not enough.”

Wetness around my eyes, unable to keep those emotions under control, I shook my head. “You don’t need to thank me. I have caused you so much pain through the years, and I’m not talking about the ritual or Elias.”

There was a finger pressed to my lips. “Stop. Listen to me, Titus Lockwood. I know there’s more to this than I understand, because there’s a reason you can’t answer my questions. When you said you would if you could you were being honest with me, and, for now, the best thing we can do is focus on what comes next.”

In that moment, her finger warm and slightly shaking, I loved her even more. Removing it, holding it gently in my hand, I kissed her temple, slowly nodding. Anne was right. The best thing we could do was focus on what came next, but what came before led to her choice. She wanted it to be over, and I did almost as much, even though it meant our relationship never would be the same again. With a gesture I created a new chair in the room, dropping down into it. Next thing I knew Anne was in my lap, not bothering to create her own, because I’d always been more comfortable. Laughing, I curled my arms back around her.

“Comfortable?”

“Mostly.” She rested her head on my shoulder. “I’ll make certain I don’t tell Cornelius anything about the ritual he shouldn’t know. The last thing I want is for him going searching for the birthplace of magic when I know it killed Ezra.”

Ezra, it seemed, had managed to get through the wards with his twin, something I hadn’t expected from their bloodline. The Oswald-Spencers were a Greater family, but until then they’d not had the strength to do what Gideon and Ezra did. It wasn’t enough for them to survive the birthplace. Like so many others Ezra fell in love with Anne. He wanted to save her from me, when I was the strongest mage in Marren Vale, so he made the decision he needed more power. Gideon, on the other hand, wanted knowledge, like Jacob once had. Seekers were some of the most dangerous people in Marren Vale when it came to Anne. Fortunately I’d managed to keep her safe so far.

Cornelius’s decision was more complicated. There were gaps, which pointed to one of three things normally – someone without magic, and Jonathan had left Marren Vale so it couldn’t be that; the dead, meaning a person I didn’t want to deal with may return at a time he could absolutely use; or another Seer, potentially Anne’s soulmate, causing a different kind of problem. Of course it might be more than one. Due to what Anne didn’t know I wasn’t able to bring those possibilities up with her, her decision to tell him everything potentially linked to one of more or them, and that… being a Seer was often more frustrating than helpful, especially when I was also protector of the Heart.

“Ezra made a decision knowing what the dangers were, Anne. They weren’t the first to lose their lives in the search for more power.”

Sighing, Anne nodded. “He wouldn’t listen to sense. I tried, and I’ll do the same with Cornelius, if he still makes the decision to look for the birthplace without me telling him the truth about the ritual.”

When it came to Cornelius there were more possibilities, but so far they hadn’t seemed likely one. Anne was close to Cornelius, he’d been there for her after Reuben died, and it was clear to me there were deeper emotions when he looked at her. It was often the way with the Heart. She never did anything to make people fall in love with her other than be who she was, her empathy making her skilled at connecting in a way I wasn’t. Fortunately, as she often told me, I was charismatic, something that might have been more due to the soulbond than it was me. Her magics having an effect in a way we hadn’t been expecting.

“Unfortunately, sweetheart, people often don’t when they believe they’ve made the right choice.” I stroked a hand over her hair. “Whatever Cornelius does or doesn’t do is not on you, anymore than it was when Ezra chose his path. Or Jacob. Or Maximillian. Or any of the others I know you still blame yourself for, even as you talk about focusing on what comes next rather than letting the past define us.”

For a long time Anne stared at me, before her face softened, a smile tugging at her lips. “You’ve always hated how well I know you, and yet you do exactly the same to me.” Her lips were on my cheek again. “It’s hard. There are so many moments I wish I had the ability to change.”

“Do you honestly believe I don’t feel the same way? Each one of those moments affects me too, for different reasons. I heard what some said after Ezra and Gideon disappeared. They blamed me.”

“No, they blamed the Titus of the time, who is not the Titus you are now.” She stroked some strands of hair off my face. “We both know you struggled that life. If the same thing happened again with Cornelius I don’t see the same thing happening, even with Leonora actively working against you. You might not see it, but the Titus you are has a very strong relationship with multiple of the Greater families. Part of that might be due to Papa, because he wanted you to have them if anything happened to him… and he realised it long before I let myself think he’d be another lost to this house.”

“I am sorry.”

Every loss affected her – it wasn’t just the rituals. I needed somewhere to gather the power, and that was easiest in the house, where I was in control. The disadvantage of that, something Papa hadn’t seen, was the damage it did when Anne wasn’t alive, her protection far stronger than either of us could have imagined. Reuben lived for as long as he did due to his great-aunt Anne. Getting Emory out the house quickly also became a necessity after Reuben took his little brother in, because the last thing I needed was for him to be too badly affected by those magics. With Anne it was potentially less of an issue, but Maeve was pregnant with him in the Lockwood house without the Heart, and it wasn’t possible to know how much someone might be affected until it was too late.

Cornelius was worse than most. I could see it in the man he’d become in the time we’d been working more closely together on the ritual. Hence his decision to find the birthplace. Learning the truth about the ritual, and about me, made me the enemy, which wasn’t unusual. Fortunately if it was to happen it was due to him truly being in love with Anne. Even though I’d be gone, at least from what I’d Seen, she’d be safe with him, although it might take a while for her to get over her anger at him for making the choices he had. With Elias it was different. Originally I believed he loved her the way Anne was beginning to love him, but what he wanted was Anne’s power. Claiming the soulbond was his way of getting it, which destroyed him, even though I’d tried to hold his soul together.

“Titus, I’m not angry with you. What happened with Papa is an unfortunately reality of the choices we’ve had to make.” Her head was on my shoulder again, hand reaching for mine. “Did you know he was in love with Leonora?”

“Unless there’s a reason to I don’t Watch family either.” Emory, due to his relationship with Leonora, had become an exception. “Our nephew is also in love with her.”

“Are you worried?”

“Not at this point. It may become an issue later on, depending on certain choices people make, but neither of them seem likely to take the next step. Leonora’s trying desperately to keep her relationship with Samuel from falling apart entirely, although I have to admit I don’t understand why. Samuel was nothing more than a means to an end, and now he’s trying to make Alexander heir, when Alexander shows no signs of wanting to be heir. Emory respects Leonora’s choices, without understanding them.”

“Have you been Watching Celeste too?”

From the undercurrent of worry in her voice there was one reason for her question – she’d heard me earlier. “Yes, sweetheart, I have, because she is technically the Riordan heir, and I know she has soul magic.”

“Technically?”

“I’ve heard the arguments.”

“Celeste doesn’t want Alice to be the heir either. I don’t think there’s any easy solution.”

“Often in these situations there isn’t.”

“Leonora made the choices she did due to lack of information. If I were to have a conversation with her, explain the reasons for what we’ve done…”

Sighing, I rested my head against hers. “I don’t think anything you do is likely to change Leonora’s mind.” There were other possibilities, but it was another of the many things I couldn’t tell Anne, because if I did it might change how she reacted. “You can try, if it’s truly what you want to do.” Knowing Anne she wouldn’t forgive herself if she didn’t. “Just don’t blame yourself if Leonora continues down the path she’s already on. To her it’s the most logical one, especially with the added complication of Celeste not wanting to be the Riordan heir.”

“Yet we both know she’s making the decisions she is with her emotions.”

“An emotional decision doesn’t always preclude logic. She truly believes I am a danger to Marren Vale. If you explain to her the reasons for that I’m not certain it will change her mind.” So I’d have to find a way to stop her from making any foolish choices, to protect Anne, if it ended up being necessary. “There might be a softening, especially when it comes to you, or she might go the opposite direction, believing you’re lying for me. Sybil would have mentioned how close we were, and it’s not as though that wouldn’t also have come up in other journals.”

“Do you think it would make our relationship with Leonora worse?”

“No, it wouldn’t, and, like I said, she might see you in a different light. It might help you rebuild your friendship with Celeste.”

“Titus…”

“Have I ever been upset with you for being friends with Riordans?” She sighed. “I know that’s not the reason you walked away, Anne. You wanted to protect her from me, when you realised she had soul magic, and I hate you felt you had to do that.”

“Could she have seen more than you wanted her to?”

One question from Anne was all it took to get to the very root of the problem I’d always had with Riordans. They were an unwanted complication, and Celeste was no different. If she looked too closely she’d have seen the soulbond. Anne would want to know why it existed, causing more fractures in our relationship. Yet I’d never stepped in to stop them being friends, because I was willing to accept those fractures if it meant Anne had someone in her life she was able to talk to, but once she realised how strong Celeste truly was she’d done what she believed she had to, for a person she deeply cared about.

“I wish you’d asked me that a long time ago, so I could have told you it didn’t matter.” Anne moved, eyes on mine, hand gripping mine more tightly, able to feel the truth in my words. “You need a friend. Celeste clearly cared about you the same way you did about her, and I’d have taken all the pain that could come from it for you to have that in your life.”

She blinked, but it didn’t stop the tears. With my free hand I wiped them away, the mix of emotions she felt sweeping through the room, a sign she needed time. More often than I liked I couldn’t answer the questions Anne asked. If I could I wanted to be as honest with her as possible, in the hope it would undo some of the damage.

“You’re the reason I’ve never been able to hate you.” I raised an eyebrow. “Even when our relationship is at it’s worst you’ve always been kind. There’s never been a point I thought you actually hated me, and I remember the lives you struggled most. As I’m the reason for the vow you had every reason to blame me for all of this, the way I’ve done to you more than I should, but I don’t believe you ever have.”

“None of this is your fault, Anne.” Resting my forehead against hers, eyes meeting again, I told her another truth. “We didn’t know.” That wasn’t even a lie, because I’d had no idea how strong that vow could be, but two powerful children in a very emotional situation created the strongest magic I’d seen. “All I want is for you to be happy. Finally, after far too long, we do have a chance of that, so I will do whatever I have to in order to make it possible.”