The Strength of Love

More than once Anne helped with the ritual, and she hated it every time. “I’m sorry.”

“Titus, that isn’t…” She shook her head. “Apologising doesn’t change anything.” I opened my mouth, of course it didn’t, but she put a finger to my lips again. “We made our choices. You asked, nothing more. Saying no was always an option.”

Sometimes I wondered, with the bond between us, if saying no actually was an option. Not just for Anne. All it took was a word for me to make the decision to stay with her, because it was what she wanted. It was also what I wanted. Being close again… ever before Elias she’d kept her distance, using family as a buffer so she didn’t need to spend too much time alone with me. She’d even done it with Emory, which… I struggled. With so little family, the Lockwoods dwindling in recent generations, I thought we’d have a chance to spend some time together as teenagers, and maybe reconnect. Instead she was always with him if she was home.

“Accepting the ritual as a necessary evil was easier for you than it was for me.”

Yes, because I knew if I didn’t I’d lose her. To Anne it was simply due to a foolish vow I’d made after our parents died. Even though I’d meant every word I said it was also a cover. Papa never wanted her to learn she was the Heart, terrified the moments we’d Seen would become reality, but the woman sitting on my lap was stronger than I think Papa could ever have accepted. At the time I didn’t understand who she’d become either. Now, looking into the eyes of a very different Anne Lockwood, I accepted it was a truth she could handle.

“Even now… it’s still painful. Cornelius…” She closed her eyes. “You’re careful?” Without speaking, because her finger meant something, I nodded. “He is Niels, though. At least I think he is.” Finger dropping, a tear rolled down her cheek. “There are signs.”

“I’m not a Riordan, but I’ve seen the signs too.” Thanks to the soulbond, and lessons from Phoebe she probably shouldn’t have given me, I knew far more than I should about who I chose for the ritual. “You know I’m careful, sweetheart. Causing long term damage to any soul would only make my task harder.” She rolled her eyes. “Anne, I care about you.”

“Don’t lie to me, Titus Lockwood.” There was no bite in her voice. “You care about the others too, and you have since the beginning. Hence the decision you made.”

Friendship made the necessity of sacrificing other mages for Anne far more painful. I had allies, like Cornelius, but after our first life I focused on disconnecting, to make the process simpler. Unsurprisingly there were those who managed to get through the walls. Like Jacob. My hope was Anne would convince him travelling to the past would be a mistake. When he refused to listen I didn’t have any other option, if I was going to keep Anne safe. Of course it was a risk. He might have found a way back. So far, fortunately, he hadn’t, yet I still Watched for gaps.

His return was a possibility. The gaps were potentially a Seer, and I’d assumed Anne’s soulmate, due to the timing, but it could also be Jacob. After what I’d done he probably hated me. If I was him I would, not understanding I’d put Anne first, because if Jacob found out she was the Heart…trusting him was a possibility. Only if I made a mistake Anne might… she always came first, and I erred on the side of caution. Like I had with Julian, who I knew was still furious, so if he returned again…

Leonora was the current priority. Every other problem could be dealt with later, however many there happened to be. Anne studied me, and I focused on controlling my emotions, because we were in a better place than we had been for a long time. If she asked questions I couldn’t answer… a warm hand brushed some hair off my face again, hers gently worried. Had she pushed too hard with her words?

”Just thinking, nothing more.” I smiled. “You aren’t wrong.”

“Who was on your mind?”

Even though it technically wasn’t a complicated question, I didn’t need to lie to Anne, I found myself silent. Bringing up those we’d lost, she’d lost, caused her more pain, and I didn’t want to make things worse. Yet if I stayed silent I might undo all the work we’d done to rebuild our relationship. Sighing, I rested my head on her shoulder. Through the lives there were so many names. Anne said more than once she remembered all of them, seeming to believe I didn’t, at least when she was at her angriest.

“I know I can talk to you, but it’s… certain subjects are more complicated than others. The lost are one of them. You do see me as I am, you understand I feel every scar, only…”

“That knowledge hasn’t kept me from acting the opposite.” Anne leaned her head against mine. “I am sorry, Titus. How I acted before… as much as I’d like to just move on it’s never going to be that simple. Going through the ritual life after life… you did push through in a way I couldn’t, and then there were the ones you almost entirely disconnected, which… then I think I understood better. Without the vow…”

“Don’t do that.”

“We both know I’m right.”

“Anne, I do not regret the choice I made.” I didn’t move, not wanting to displace her, but I reached for her hand, lacing my fingers with hers. “How many times do I need to say it for you to believe me? You can literally tell when I’m lying to you.”

Sudden sob racking her body, I tightened my grip on her hand. “I hate you.”

“For not having regrets?” I kept my voice light. “Our lives worked out differently to how we both assumed when we were younger. Back then we didn’t have any idea what was to come. Now we’re coming close to the end of something neither of us truly wanted to go through, but, and I truly mean this, I’m glad you’re the reason.”

Curling up on my lap, like she had when she was far smaller, she shook her head, the sobs not stopping. I stroked my free hand over her hair, waiting. Emotionally Anne was all over the place, and had I not known better I might have thought she was pregnant, but it was literally the ritual. We went through something similar every life, although not always with her relying on me for emotional support. This time she was, so I’d do my best to be the brother she needed me to be. Leonora’s decision didn’t make the process any easier, especially if Anne had heard what I said, because that… she cared about Celeste.

“Please hate me.”

“No. It’s not possible.” Leaning down, I kissed her hair. “Sweetheart, we will get through this, the way we always have. Hopefully next time will be the last, and then…”

“I have no future without you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?”

The very question I didn’t want her to ask. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, but my silence was enough for her. Not that I knew what I’d do. For lifetimes my life revolved around Anne’s. With another man in her life, her soulmate… I closed my eyes, seeing her with this faceless man once more. Papa wanted me to do exactly what I’d done, and the next step was to find a way to live without her… or potentially see if he was right about there being more Marren Vales. Maybe I’d be able to find my way to another Anne, one who could love me, because I hadn’t chosen the same path.

“Give me your word you’ll stay.” There was a desperation I didn’t expect, as she sat up once more, eyes on mine. “No matter what happens.”

“For now I can’t.” Devastation, swirling around us. “Sweetheart, stop. Breathe. Take a moment, and listen to me. I’m not going to make a promise like that, because you might not want me to keep it.”

Losing control of her emotions was unusual for Anne, but she did occasionally. I normally knew how to deal with it. She sobbed harder, holding me tightly, as though she never wanted to let go. The anger from before was far simpler to cope with than the way she looked at me in that moment. What I needed to do was give her time to work through it, harder than it seemed when she was a powerful empath, unwillingly using those emotions to get me to give her what she wanted.

“Explain to me why I wouldn’t want you to keep it.”

How could I do that without breaking the vow I’d made to Papa? If I didn’t give her an answer she trusted was the truth I’d lose her. Sighing, I bit down hard on my bottom lip, the heavy weight of it on my shoulders once more, so close to destroying my relationship with the only woman I could ever love. My hand shook as I wiped some of the tears from her cheeks, her eyes not leaving mine.

“Sweetheart, you will fall in love, and when that happens…”

“It already happened, Titus.” Elias, I knew, but what I meant was something different. “You really are blind, aren’t you?” She shook her head. “No one else can ever take your place.”

Unable to find words, I stared at Anne. There were so many things I couldn’t say. Shouldn’t say. Yet, as the emotions swirled around us, I was more tempted than I’d ever been before. Her magic partly to blame, I breathed in deeply. What I needed was to be in control, to say all the right things, but there were no right things in that moment, because she needed a truth I didn’t think I could give her. Not without help. I’d Seen my own soul shredded if I dared break the vow, in any way. Even letting her read my journals. If she found them herself it was different. As she hadn’t…

“Anne, there is one way we can have this conversation, and even then I’m not certain I’d survive it.” Her eyes widened. “I gave you my vow I’d do it after the last ritual for a reason. Your future matters more to me than anything else. Even my own.”

“Celeste.”

“What steps we take next are entirely up to you.” My hand still shook, her emotions less overwhelming, as I stroked her hair off her face again. “Although it might be a mistake I am willing to share everything with you, if Celeste is with us at the time. Even then… I need you to understand it’s dangerous. Not just for me. For both of us.”

Truth wrapped around everything I’d just said, Anne able to feel it, and she didn’t say anything. Her silence went on longer than I was comfortable with, but I waited. Uncertain what answer I hoped she’d give I tightened my grip on her hand, telling her without words I was there, no matter what. Even though I couldn’t make the promise she wanted I didn’t want to leave her… unless that was what she ended up needing me to do. Finally, forehead resting against mine, she shook her head.

“You’re the one who matters.” I raised an eyebrow. “To me, Titus. Maybe not to you. Clearly not to you.” A tear ran down her cheek. “Putting you in danger to learn the truth…”

“Before you make a final decision talk to Celeste. She sees more than I want her to, but at least it means she might be able to help you work out what it is you need now. I never imagined we’d have this conversation, and now we have I at least want you to be able to make an informed decision, something I can’t be part of. Honestly, I don’t think I should either. My biases have already almost entirely destroyed our relationship.”

Lips against my cheek, she shook her head. “I already know what I need, and that’s you, so I won’t be having a conversation with Celeste.”

“Anne…”

“Entirely up to me, Titus.” She rested her head on my shoulder. “You’ve given me a truth you never have before, and I… that’s enough.”

“For now.”

“Did you mean what you said?”

“Yes, I meant it, but…”

“Then accept my answer. I’ve made my choice. Yes, I may change my mind in the future, and if I do I’ll tell you. Losing you… it would break me.”

We lapsed into a more comfortable silence, Anne’s arms still tightly around me. Maybe I was the one who needed to talk to Celeste, to see what she could tell me about the soulbond, and the vows. Unlike anyone else, even Leonora, her magic was strong enough to tell her more about me than I could, because I hadn’t understood the repercussions of my decisions then. How hard it would be to be soulbonded to the only woman I loved, unable to tell her the real reason we needed the ritual. She wasn’t just the Heart of Marren Vale to me. From the beginning she’d been so much more, which was why I had to do what I did. I couldn’t trust anyone else with her life. Maybe if I had…

Arm moving slightly, she stroked her hand down my spine. “Trust me. Being here, with you… it’s what I want too. I’ve never said that, tried to hide from the truth, but you… I love you, Titus Lockwood.”

More depth to those words than before, a flutter of hope I was better off ignoring, I kissed her cheek. “I love you, Anne Lockwood. Always have and always will. Nothing will ever change that.”

She slipped off my lap, and being alone hurt, even as she gently tugged me. “I’ve monopolised your time long enough. You have things you’re meant to be doing, if the ritual is to be a success once more.” Her eyes met with mine again, a calm acceptance I’ve never seen before within them, so it seemed the conversation had helped. “Even though I’d rather you were here it’s not like we won’t have time in the future.”

I stood, the way she wanted me to, but before I left I pulled her into my arms. “We have all the time you want. The only way you’ll be able to get rid of me is if you tell me to go.” Anne opened her mouth, and I knew exactly what she was about to say. “Don’t assume anything, sweetheart.”

“Titus, I meant what I said – no one can take your place. Ever.”

“Easy words to say.” I kissed the top of her head. “You don’t know what the future has to hold.”

“Clearly you do.” She shoved me backwards, but her emotions were more playful. “It doesn’t matter what you believe will happen.”

Being able to See didn’t mean I Knew what was to come. All any of us Saw were possibilities, something Anne understood better than anyone. The only Certainty we’d ever Seen was what would happen to her if the soulbond hadn’t been created. Even the arrival of her soulmate wasn’t a Certainty – Papa warned me I might need to go looking for him, although he didn’t give me any help when it came to explaining my disappearance to her. He trusted me to find a way. Now, though, I didn’t think there was one that didn’t involve telling Anne the whole truth.

“You’ll talk to Leonora tomorrow?”

“First thing, so we have an answer sooner rather than later.” She bit down on her bottom lip. “I’m not going to talk to Celeste.”

“Whatever you decide, sweetheart.” My own choice was probably going to be different, if I could catch Celeste away from her house, but Anne didn’t need to know that. “You can change your mind.”

“I won’t.” Gently, smiling, she pushed me in the direction of the door. “Now go.”

“Going. You know where I am if you need me.”

As I stepped out the door she blew me a kiss. I blew one back, and then she closed the door, her eyes not leaving mine until it was. Walking away wasn’t exactly easy, but she was right. There were things I needed to get done. Only my mind was entirely focused on the way she’d reacted, because of the warnings Julian gave me, even if I hadn’t wanted to think he was right. Soulbonds were complicated. Knowing she hadn’t chosen it… we’d made the best choices we could at a complicated time.

Rather than going straight to the basement my feet took me to the portrait room, where I looked into Papa’s eyes, the way I had all those years earlier. “Papa, I’m sorry. I think I’ve failed.”

Julian told me Papa asked him to watch over both of us. Right to the end Papa cared, even though I’d shut him out, not willing to listen. I’d chosen Anne. She needed me, and that was what mattered, more than anything else, including Papa’s worries I might end up breaking. We both knew I was the only one who could hold out until the end, however complicated it might be. Now I was the closest I’d been, but I had so many doubts, that had been building up for lifetimes.

Had I not shoved my closest friend into a fire in a moment of soulbond charged fury I’d have had someone to talk it all through. Instead he was dead, and I didn’t know if he’d survived our last encounter. The gaps told me it was possible, but it was unlikely he’d forgiven me, so that left me with one option – Celeste Riordan. She might not be willing to talk to me either. Leonora was her mother, but, maybe, what she’d see was fascinating enough for her to at least give me a chance to ask a couple of questions.

The first would be ‘how badly have I failed Anne?’. I raked a hand through my hair. For a moment I could feel her arms around me again, her desperation to keep me close strong enough for her to lose control, and that… “Did you See this, Papa? Was that the reason you tried so hard to get me to give the bond to Julian?”

During the conversations we’d had Julian made it clear he didn’t want the bond, but he understood the necessity of it. It was the only way. We talked about experimentation, how there might be other options if we had time, and I’d Looked, trying to find another solution, because none of us liked the idea of the ritual. Knowing more about the Sight I wondered if I’d been too biased to actually be able to See one. At the time I’d been so certain I was the best chance of Anne surviving safely until the soulmate arrived, laughing at the possibility I’d fall in love with her.

I’d reacted badly, hence the child I didn’t want with a woman I couldn’t see in my future. For a time I’d thought about pretending, until I realised the pain I’d cause the woman I did, and then it was clear to me I couldn’t be who Phoebe wanted me to be. Even if there was no chance of me ever actually having a relationship with Anne I had to make the choice that gave me one.